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Apparently they're going out...
Mar. 21st, 2026 09:37 amFor the funeral, I am being accommodated in Mum's house, which I'm really pleased about because it's a bungalow. While I'm very happy to stay with my sister and her husband, who are both lovely, they have stairs... which I need to get up and down by shuffling on my bottom. (Yes, I can walk a short distance, so I could potentially try to do it standing up, but given the state of my balance it wouldn't be safe. Last time I was there, I'd go downstairs in the morning and then up again at night, and if I'd forgotten to bring the next blister of pills down or whatever, I'd have to ask someone to go and get it, which wasn't really very satisfactory.)
It looks as if I'm going to be put in there along with Elder Niece and Elder Niece's Boyfriend; I'm going to call them Rose and Mike, which are not their names, but they are short and convenient for reference. I didn't know Mike existed until last night, and I was informed at that point that Rose was in the process of moving in with him.
"Oh," I said, "are they thinking of getting married or is it one of those modern relationships?"
"I don't know," replied my sister. "Things are much more complicated these days. There are more steps. But I think they're probably going out."
At which point I laughed, and said that I would rather expect that (at the very least) if she's moving in with him. But it does rather illustrate my point. Modern relationships are bloomin' confusing.
When I was growing up, it was all very simple. You went out with someone, which didn't mean what it does these days; it pretty much did literally mean you went out with them. You'd go for a drink, or a meal, or to the cinema, or whatever. It was expected that you didn't sleep together at that stage, and most people, as far as I know, didn't; there was always the odd one or two, but not a majority. Sometimes that worked out, mostly it didn't, but if it didn't you just went out with someone else once you'd got over the break-up. Eventually you found someone you were really happy with, and who was equally happy with you. You then got engaged, after which you got married, and then you moved in together. That was how I did it (not that I did a great deal of it, since I never found anyone I could seriously imagine actually wanting to sleep with, even after getting to know them for a while), and, should I ever be in the situation where I could sensibly get married again, that is how I will do it again in future. It works. Granted, it does work particularly well for me because I'm on the asexual spectrum; I don't know how well it works for other people because I've never been them. But a set-up where there is no pressure to sleep with someone after half a dozen dates is, as far as I'm concerned, perfect.
These days, as far as I can work out, it's not a linear progression. It's a flowchart. The general expectation has totally flipped over; it used to be that if you slept with someone before you were married, that was odd, and now it appears to be that if you don't sleep with someone almost straight away, that is odd... which, honestly, seems like far too much pressure to me. So now what happens is you meet someone, then not so very long after that you start sleeping with them (even if you don't know them very well) because that's expected, and after that... well, it branches. You might decide to move in together first. Or you might decide to get engaged before you move in together. Or you might decide to (or, indeed, accidentally) start a family, and then move in together. Or you might, as previously, split up, except that now the stakes are much higher because you've already slept together, so the breakup is that much worse, but that's all right because it's just what people do these days.
Obviously I'm not in any way implying that traditional marriages don't break up; for goodness' sake, mine did. All I'm saying is that, on average, people are going to have a lot more bad break-ups if they do things the modern way than if they do them the traditional way. If they consider that acceptable, fair enough; I'm not judging them. I'm very much one for "you do you, as long as doing you doesn't involve treading on anyone else's toes". But, by the same token, I'm going to do me, and that involves not accepting any pressure to sleep with someone I don't know very well just because we've been out for a few dinners. And, frankly, if that person thinks I owe him that because of the few dinners, I'm better off without him anyway. If that's what he wants, there are sex workers who'll sort him out.
Anyway. I am looking forward to meeting this Mike and seeing what manner of person he may be; Rose is a sensible type, so I'm assuming she's probably picked a good one. And, my sister being also a sensible type, she's ditched the expensive hotel we had for Dad's funeral (they served a totally outfacing amount of food, and they were incredibly slow to get it to us), and substituted a nice buffet meal at a golf club, so we can all eat whatever amount we're comfortable with, and Sibyl should hopefully behave herself a bit better. (She blew at one in the morning the night after Dad's funeral. I was not surprised.)
As funerals go, it shouldn't be too bad, I think.
It looks as if I'm going to be put in there along with Elder Niece and Elder Niece's Boyfriend; I'm going to call them Rose and Mike, which are not their names, but they are short and convenient for reference. I didn't know Mike existed until last night, and I was informed at that point that Rose was in the process of moving in with him.
"Oh," I said, "are they thinking of getting married or is it one of those modern relationships?"
"I don't know," replied my sister. "Things are much more complicated these days. There are more steps. But I think they're probably going out."
At which point I laughed, and said that I would rather expect that (at the very least) if she's moving in with him. But it does rather illustrate my point. Modern relationships are bloomin' confusing.
When I was growing up, it was all very simple. You went out with someone, which didn't mean what it does these days; it pretty much did literally mean you went out with them. You'd go for a drink, or a meal, or to the cinema, or whatever. It was expected that you didn't sleep together at that stage, and most people, as far as I know, didn't; there was always the odd one or two, but not a majority. Sometimes that worked out, mostly it didn't, but if it didn't you just went out with someone else once you'd got over the break-up. Eventually you found someone you were really happy with, and who was equally happy with you. You then got engaged, after which you got married, and then you moved in together. That was how I did it (not that I did a great deal of it, since I never found anyone I could seriously imagine actually wanting to sleep with, even after getting to know them for a while), and, should I ever be in the situation where I could sensibly get married again, that is how I will do it again in future. It works. Granted, it does work particularly well for me because I'm on the asexual spectrum; I don't know how well it works for other people because I've never been them. But a set-up where there is no pressure to sleep with someone after half a dozen dates is, as far as I'm concerned, perfect.
These days, as far as I can work out, it's not a linear progression. It's a flowchart. The general expectation has totally flipped over; it used to be that if you slept with someone before you were married, that was odd, and now it appears to be that if you don't sleep with someone almost straight away, that is odd... which, honestly, seems like far too much pressure to me. So now what happens is you meet someone, then not so very long after that you start sleeping with them (even if you don't know them very well) because that's expected, and after that... well, it branches. You might decide to move in together first. Or you might decide to get engaged before you move in together. Or you might decide to (or, indeed, accidentally) start a family, and then move in together. Or you might, as previously, split up, except that now the stakes are much higher because you've already slept together, so the breakup is that much worse, but that's all right because it's just what people do these days.
Obviously I'm not in any way implying that traditional marriages don't break up; for goodness' sake, mine did. All I'm saying is that, on average, people are going to have a lot more bad break-ups if they do things the modern way than if they do them the traditional way. If they consider that acceptable, fair enough; I'm not judging them. I'm very much one for "you do you, as long as doing you doesn't involve treading on anyone else's toes". But, by the same token, I'm going to do me, and that involves not accepting any pressure to sleep with someone I don't know very well just because we've been out for a few dinners. And, frankly, if that person thinks I owe him that because of the few dinners, I'm better off without him anyway. If that's what he wants, there are sex workers who'll sort him out.
Anyway. I am looking forward to meeting this Mike and seeing what manner of person he may be; Rose is a sensible type, so I'm assuming she's probably picked a good one. And, my sister being also a sensible type, she's ditched the expensive hotel we had for Dad's funeral (they served a totally outfacing amount of food, and they were incredibly slow to get it to us), and substituted a nice buffet meal at a golf club, so we can all eat whatever amount we're comfortable with, and Sibyl should hopefully behave herself a bit better. (She blew at one in the morning the night after Dad's funeral. I was not surprised.)
As funerals go, it shouldn't be too bad, I think.
